Chopped Salad

photoFuuuucckkkk, you guys. I LOVE THIS SALAD! I love it more than dating. Because dating is an adventure unlike anything.  Dating is supposed to be fun. And trust me, its super amusing to myself, my friends, my family, the man who bags my groceries… was that sexist? Eh, I don’t care.

My brain especially likes to make me think of all sorts of crazy stuff. Usually at 2:30 in the morning. All sorts of random stuff too!

You know what I’m talking about.

“How much money is in my checking account?”

“When do I need to change my oil?”

“Have I DVR’d that (insert favorite show)?”

“Did I set my alarm so I can get up in 2 hours and go to the gym before work? Like a fucking crazy person? I’m going to hit snooze. No. I’m going to go. No. I’m going to hit snooze.”

“Do I have to go to the gym before work?”

“OMG! What was that noise? Is that a murderer? Holy fuck! Am I going to die?”

“Should I just pack it in and buy 18 cats?”

That last one is the WORST! Its a creepy little shit that sneaks in when I’m wondering if I actually did lock the house. It’s like the herpes of thought. Especially at 2am. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend like you don’t. I love my life, I love my job and I don’t mind being single. But at 2am when I think some monster is about to get me, it would nice to roll over and spoon someone.

At least my dating life provides entertainment to all my friends. Its a series of hilarious dates in which I end the night just sipping the last of my wine and hoping that he will stop talking and just pay for dinner already! I mean nothing against those guys. I’ve been on a quite a few interesting dates in the last few weeks. They typically end with me thanking my foresight for getting wine before the date to drink once the date is over. This date is no exception.

I’ve been eating this salad non-stop and I have to share the love with you. My BFF made this salad for her parents then again for herself….and then again for herself. I understand this addiction, its a really good salad!

This salad comes courtesy of a rather interesting date….. which honestly I’m still a little pissed at.

I’m pretty careful when I meet a new person. I don’t need you to know my last name or where I live. That’s like 4th date stuff. You cant be too careful you know! Obviously, I’ve been watching a lot of ‘Dates From Hell’ on True Crime Tv. That shit will scare you. Whatever you do, don’t watch it before a date. Now chopped salad guy I had actually already been on one date with. It could have been the wine or the fact that he fell all over himself to tell me how pretty I was (hey, I’m simple!) but I had an ok time. Not good enough to want to stay out past my bedtime but still good enough to agree to a second date at his favorite restaurant. I walk into the restaurant and Mr Not Wonderful is sitting at the bar drinking an ice tea. We navigated to a table where I had a full view of the stone pizza oven.

Hot, gooey, cheesy gourmet pizza by hot, gooey, cheesy gourmet pizza floated by us.

My mouth watered.

Regardless of my ambiguity towards my date, I was excited by the thought of pizza.

I looked at my menu and pondered my choices.

Only to be stopped by words that chilled me to my bones,

Do you trust me?”

He looked at me like a little bird, eyes blinking, waiting for my response.

Do I trust him?

I barely know him! I haven’t told him my last name yet for god’s sake and he’s asking if I trust him?

My mind raced. My manners versus my taste buds.

This was a gourmet pizza place after all, surely he has a good order. And while he was far from being over weight, he wasn’t going out on the beach in a speedo anytime soon. The man had to know how to eat well.

I nodded and smiled, closed my menu and said

“Sure!”

The waitress came by. I waited with baited breath on what tempting pizza he was going to order for us. He had, after all, said that the BLT pizza was his favorite.

“We’ll have the chopped salad.”

pause, me thinking there was more to come, this was dinner after all.

“Split”

HE CLOSED HIS MENU AND SAID

“That’s all, thank you.”

That’s it? A SPLIT chopped salad?

I mean, I’m happy splitting something but a SALAD? While I had to sit and watch pizza pie after tempting pizza pie float past me on a cloud of garlic infused oil air? After I drove all the was to Scottsdale to meet you after a full day of work?

This was dating purgatory.

I don’t really remember much after that. He talked, I pretended to listen. He talked more. I looked in vain at the door.

Finally, the salad arrived. It was small, I had little hope of being satisfied. But let’s be honest, that’s pretty much the female motto.

I’m not going to lie to you…..this was hands down the best salad I have ever had. It was so good, I almost licked the plate. In my defense, I was also really hungry. But this salad was GOOD! It’s so addicting that you will give up chocolate for it. Ok, maybe not chocolate but it’s still really good. It was almost worth being stuck on one of the most boring dates I have ever been on in my life. Seriously, like B-O-R-I-N-G.

No chemistry at all.

When the check came, I didn’t even make a courtesy offer. And no, when you try to kiss me, you will get a hug.

And yes, I will stop at Del Taco on the way home for chicken soft tacos.

Luckily for you, I’m giving you this recipe! You don’t have to go on a bad date to eat this nosh!

And you can eat the whole thing if you want!

Seriously, this salad is the easiest thing you will ever make! The restaurant version had turkey but I took it out of my version because well….sometimes you just have to get rid of the turkey to make something truly worthwhile….

(ohhh, see that? Its a pun! The guy’s a turkey! Get it? Get it?)

I know this doesn’t look like much but have a lil’ faith? M’kay??

photo cs

Chopped Salad 

What you need:

1 package any salami (I like peppered)
1 package grape tomatoes
1 package mozzarella cheese
3 heads romaine lettuce
4 lemons
2 TBL Olive Oil (more to taste)
Greek seasoning

What you do:
Juice the lemons
Add the Olive Oil
Add Greek seasonings
Put all of that in an empty water bottle (trust me)
Shake that thing like you are doing a Richard Simmons video
*Yes, I know I didn’t give a measurement. I do the Olive Oil and the seasoning to taste. Usually I use 1 TBL seasoning.

Chop the hell out of the lettuce and the salami.
When you cut the salami, stack all the rounds up on each other and cut into strips.
Cut the tomatoes into halves or fourths depending on your preference
Toss the lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and salami
Dress the salad with as much dressing as you would like.

Have wine on the side. Wine makes everything better.

Eat. Become addicted. You’re welcome.

2 thoughts on “Chopped Salad

  1. Oh man, I don’t know what I would do if a guy took me on a take to a pizza place and ordered a salad for us to split. The salad does sound yummy but I still think I’d need on the side of a pizza. Thanks for the recipe. I’ll have to try it.

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