Spicy + Zombies = Princess Sassy Pants

Bitches, I have an alter ego. If you don’t have one I strongly recommend that you get one as soon as possible.
All the greats have one. Beyonce’s is Sasha Fierce. David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust. Prince had Camille. Eminem had Slim Shady.
I have Princess Sassy Pants. A take no bullshit, bad ass, member of royalty who knows her worth and you can’t bring her down no matter what you think. ‘Cause your opinion doesn’t mean a shit to her. I even have a playlist when I feel the need to really connect with her.
Let me tell you something, PSP has saved me many times. It’s not always easy to be a bad ass, single, young(ish) professional. Some days its easier and some days it’s harder. Sometimes you’re on top of the world and the next you’re wondering where this bus came from and why it’s on your back. But if there’s one thing I know how to do better than anything else, it’s how to pick myself up and dust off my myself. Because I’m mother fuckin’ Princess Sassy Pants!
PSP is a lot like this jambalaya. You never really know if it’s gonna be spicy, mellow, chill, whatever. You don’t know what kind of protein will end up in your mouth. But it will always be fun and adventure.
Now, I’m not a fan of fish or seafood or anything that comes from a body of water. I’m working on over coming that. So this is purely a chicken and sausage dish. The gentle heat that comes from the seasoning works to keep away the blues. I promise that even if you’re bummed out, this is a magical dish to keep away those blues. From the chopping up the veggies (gets out aggression) to the sautéing of the onions and garlic (which chase away the blues) to chowing down on heaping spoonfuls of spicy goodness (burns away anger).

I eat mine with crusty French bread and butter, homemade coleslaw and a cold beer. If blood and guts don’t bother you while you eat, watch ‘Zombieland’. Always makes me feel a hell of a lot better.

2 lb. Chicken (boneless, skinless)
6 oz. Sausage, cut in 1/2 inch dice (I used Fresh and Easy brand mild sausage)
1 large onion, roughly chopped
3 stalks celery, roughly chopped
2 medium green bell peppers, roughly chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tablespoons Creole Seasoning (I used Fresh and Easy brand)
3 cup3 uncooked, short grain rice
14 oz. canned tomatoes
3 cups chicken stock
1 small can Tomato paste
3 Bay leaves
Chopped parsley to garnish.


Saute the chicken in olive oil. Remove from pan DON’T wash the pan out, you want the flavor from the juices. Saute the Sausage. Again, leave the yummy juices as they add depth of flavor.

If needed add more olive oil and saute the bell pepper, onion and garlic until the onion turns transparent, then add the celery and saute breifly.

Add the chicken, tomatoes, bay leaves and sausage and continue stirring. Season and add the chicken broth. Bring the stock to a boil then add the rice. Reduce heat and simmer for 20 or 25 minutes until the chicken is done and the rice is tender. The rice should have absorbed most of the liquid. If needed, add a little more stock. Keep in mind that there should be more liquid than desired when you turn off the heat. The rice will absorb all the liquid while it is cooling.

Do yourself a favor and watch Zombieland while you eat this ‘ish. I’m a huge fan and the preview for the squeal just came out. FUCK YEA!

Throwback Thursday- Chicken

It’s throwback Thursday!

Do you know what this means?

No you asshole, don’t call that jerk off who made you split the check and all you ordered was grilled cheese when he had ordered prime rib. (True story. Someday soon I’ll make a grilled cheese and share that with you…) What this actually means in my world is that I make something from your past. Chicken Cordon Bleu was literally the first thing I learned to cook on my own. I mean besides simple stuff. It was this sweet little recipe that I learned in Home Ec class way back when Alanis Morissette was blowing Uncle Joey in the back of a movie theatre then getting pissed off that he broke up with her. Side note- Jagged Little Pill will always and forever remain the best breakup album. Don’t @ me in the comments, I stand by my opinion!

Anywhoo….something you should know about me since we’re getting all fucking cosy here is that I don’t cook for guys.

I know! Shocking right??

Food is important, cooking is personal. I put a piece of myself in every dish I create. Some men just don’t respect that. I’ve made a fancy dinner only to be canceled on mere hours before he was supposed to come over. I’ve made dinner for someone who made stupid faces because he didn’t recognize an ingredient. I’ve cooked for someone who thought that I was a short order cook. No! You can’t substitute an ingredient in my food if I can’t substitute a trait in your personality! It’s no wonder I don’t cook for guys. You just don’t deserve it! Anyhow. This classic recipe was the first time I cooked for someone (and his roommate no less).

True to what would become classic “me cooking for men”, the first time I cooked for a guy it didn’t go that well. He didn’t even really seem to like what I made.

Thank god I’m a pain in the ass and resolved to rarely cook for men. I can count on one hand the number of times I put knife to board and butter to skillet to make food for men.

Shit, at least this chicken is good! This combines all things that I love. Meat and cheese. And bread. All you need is butter, wine, and life is good. This one is a good one for when the dates have sucked, you need both some emotional release and comnfotrmt food.

I’ll tell you, pounding chicken out is a great stress reliever! Once you master this little gem, there’s a LOT of different ways you can make it! Enjoy!

Chicken Cordon Bleu
What you need
 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
 1/4 teaspoon salt
 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
 6 slices Swiss cheese
 4 slices cooked ham
 1/2 cup seasoned bread crumbs

What you do
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Coat a 7×11 inch baking dish with nonstick cooking spray.
Pound chicken breasts to 1/4 inch thickness.
Sprinkle each piece of chicken on both sides with salt and pepper.
Place 1 cheese slice and 1 ham slice on top of each breast.
Roll up each breast, and secure with a toothpick.
Place in baking dish, and sprinkle chicken evenly with bread crumbs.
Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until chicken is no longer pink.
Remove from oven, and place 1/2 cheese slice on top of each breast.
Return to oven for 3 to 5 minutes, or until cheese has melted.
Remove toothpicks, and serve immediately.
**For reals though, listen to ‘You Oughta Know’, while eating this, and drinking wine. You’ll thank me.

Greek Balls…Meatballs, That Is

IMG_6509You know you came here for the balls. Meatballs. (See what I did there? I love a good pun) I love Mediterranean food! Like eat it everyday if I could love it. Like hide in its bushes and MAKE it love me if I could! Like follow it to work love it! Yea that got creepy. I’m far too lazy to love anything that much (insert eye roll).

Except for Hallmark movies, especially if I’ve been drinking. You know what I mean!

Back to my balls. These balls. Your balls. Shut up! I’m not drunk! You’re drunk!

Mediterranean food is so fucking good! There’s the hummus and the tzatzki and the mint and the garlic….all such a delicious melding of flavors designed to dance and delight the tongue! I ran across a recipe for Greek Meatballs and I had to try them. I made them with turkey but you can try beef or lamb. I usually make a massive batch so I can just heat and serve whenever I feel like.

I will tell you though….I do like turkey best. The meat is so moist and tender that the meatball almost melts in your mouth!

What you need:
1 lbs Ground Turkey
1 Red Onion (grated)
3 Tbl freshly chopped mint
2 cloves of garlic minced
2 Tbl minced basil
2 eggs
1 1/2 cup bread crumbs (I used organic whole wheat)
Salt and Pepper
What you do:

Mix seasonings, eggs and onion together.

Add ground turkey and breadcrumbs. Mix. You might have to do this with your hands.

Roll meatballs, approximately 1 inch in diameter

Heat 1/4 of a cup of oil in a saute pan, over medium heat.

**The Trick To a Tantalizing Meatball**

The first time I made these, I was left with a meatball that was pretty loosely held together. (I seriously have so many jokes about balls right now that I’m like a teenage boy) I wanted something a bit more sturdy (no one likes loose balls). So, I upped the original amount of breadcrumbs and added an additional egg. Now… if you want a meatball that looks delicious and holds it’s playful ball shape (oh…my…god…I am not able to hold it together) here is what you need to do.

The oil MUST be really hot. If you’re wondering how to tell this, olive oil has a very distinctive look when its reached optimal frying temp. When its cool its more dense, when is hot, its more liquid. Also, this kind of nutty scent will lightly waft up.

If you’re still not sure… run your hands under water, shake the loose droplets off over the pan. If it pops and sizzles…you’ve got hot oil! (NOTE: Never under any circumstances should you put a finger in the hot oil. Duh. That makes you an idiot.) 

Drop the balls of joy (note that not all balls are joyful. Some are sad. Never get involved with those balls) into the pan and then using the handle of the saute pan move it back and forth so the meatballs are rolling around in the hot oil. You want to not just let the meatball sit in the oil, instead you want to get all sides of the meatball to brown and firm up.

The meat should get all nice and caramelized, the outside of the meatball cooking firmly to hold the inside together.

Now, your heat should be on medium so once the meat is that delicious light brown color, cover the pan with a lid. This will sort of steam the meatball to cook it all the way through.

Every few minutes, check on the balls and do the quick saute movement. You don’t want them to stick to the pan.

The meatball is done when its firm to the touch. Firm balls are always best. (I hope my mom doesn’t read this)

This picture is literally not my fav but I wanted to prove I can actually put a plate of food together and not stand at the counter and eat like a heathen. I’m fancy. Plus this plate is pink!!!

There’s a few ways to eat these balls but I always like mine with tzatziki sauce and some pita. Always make sure to have your meatball wrapped. (PSA)

I serve it with baked brussel sprouts, homemade pita chips with hummus and a salad. The salad was super easy  with cucumber, black olive, hearts of palm, avocado and goat cheese. I squeezed fresh lemon juice and salt and peper into it and then just mixed! Or you know, just pick a pre-med one up from Trader Joes.

Yes, when I re-read this I knew that it said pre-med and should say *pre-made* but if you can pick up wine, pre-made, AND pre-med (wink wink) I’m not going to stop you…..

Coconut Banana Bread

The weather is warming up! Do you know what this means?? Soon I’ll be able to use my pool! As an AZ native, if its not 90+ degrees I’m freakin’ freezing! Did you know that summer is actually sweater weather? Its true! While we can bake cookies or fry eggs on the sidewalks outside its always below freezing in ANY PLACE OF BUSINESS! Anyhoo….

This time of year always makes me happy. The trees are blooming, the air is clean, its not too hot to hike in the after noon and the fresh fruit overflows at the local grocery. My favorite thing to do around AZ is day trips and play tourist. This beautiful state 48 is ripe with small towns full of seriously interesting people. Last weekend, my gaggle of gals and I decided to take a roadtrip up to Pinetop. We like to refer to these as scouting trips for girls weekends. On the agenda? Nothing. Nothing but wine, food and perhaps some hiking. But for sure wine.

We woke early on Saturday because it is a 3 hour drive through some of the oddest towns in Arizona. People…do you know how strange the small towns in Arizona are? Like there will be nothing…NOTHING and then all of the sudden up pops a small, country grocery store, a dilapidated hotel, and an RV park. Pretty sure that Rob Zombie just drives around some of these towns collecting extras.

It was a long day of driving, scouting, and, drinking (don’t worry, we had a DD. Don’t drink and drive kids!) I’m sure that it was the DELISH Coconut Banana Bread that I had made us for breakfast that kept our spirits high and kept hangry from happening. Although, at the end of the day we all did crash out and spent our Saturday night zonked in front of the TV watching an indi film called ‘Bachlorette’….which was stinkin funny by the way. In hopes that you too will be inspired to go play tourist in your state, I’m posting the recipe for you. Next up? We’re day trippin to Wickenberg!

What you need:
1 ¾ cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1¼ teaspoon baking soda
3 Large ripe bananas, mashed
½ cup + 2 tablespoons sweetened flaked coconut
½ tablespoon coconut oil (melted)
1 teaspoon vanilla
½ cup of honey
3 egg whites
2 tablespoons skim milk
¼ cup fat free plain Greek yogurt
¼ cup orange juice

What you do:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda together in mixing bowl. Shimmy a little with your hips. It makes the mixing fun.
In separate large mixing bowl combine mashed bananas, brown sugar, and vanilla.
Add egg whites and mix together until smooth. Next add oil.
Then, slowly add in flour and combine until moist.
Next add Greek yogurt and orange juice. (Depending on the consistency you can add two tablespoons of skim milk. If you like your bread more dense —omit the milk — but if you like it more airy or lighter you can add it.I added it.)
Add ½ cup of coconut and mix together.
Pour into greased, floured 9×5 inch loaf pan.
Joyfully cover the top with two tablespoons (or more) of coconut on top.
Bake for 50-60 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean and the bread is golden brown.

I ate my piece drizzled in Raw Honey with a side of mango, strawberries and papaya. With a cup of my new favorite Coconut Hibiscus tea, I felt like I was on a tropical vacation!

But obviously I wasn’t, because I’m broke AF.  Here’s to dreaming!

Brownies Or A Boyfriend?

Code cracked. I am single because having brownies and watching Kill Bill while drinking margaritas at my house with my friends is infinitely more fun than going out. That’s true folks, I am spending my Saturday night watching tv and eating brownies….and I have no shame in that. Sitting on the couch in yoga pants, hot brownie with vanilla ice cream in one hand and my 3rd margarita in the other is pure heaven! As opposed to going out in too tall shoes, in a too tight dress, and paying for more for one margarita than the 3 I just downed. And does it get any better than a Kill Bill marathon? Helz to the NO!

I love Kill Bill!

I mean, it’s the ultimate breakup movie! Look, I know its a Tarantino film and I know that its gory gory gory, but man is it good! I don’t know how you handle breakups but I usually watch a movie over and over again when I’m going through one. I assign a film to the breakup. There was the guy I dated that I watched ‘ZombieLand’ over and over. Then there was ‘Someone Like You’. Once I watched ‘Hope Floats’ over and over. Movies fix everything. They make everything better. The last breakup, I watched ‘Sex and the City’ over and over again. The tv series, not the movie. My favorite breakup movie of all time though is always Kill Bill. Well Kill Bill 2 too (say that in your head four times fast, its a fucker) It’s timeless, its classic, it works for everything.

Look, art is open to interpretation. This I know. It’s a Rorschach test into how we feel. What we see is a reflection of how we feel. In essence we project our thoughts, feelings and desires onto the piece of art we are looking at. So I know that my views might be a little tainted by current feelings.

The poor bride. She was beaten, she was brutalized, she was shot in the head, she was left for dead. She was raped in the hospital, she got her ass kicked, she got cut by a samurai sword (that shit would hurt! I get a papercut and I’m like ‘I’m out!’, Secret Agent material I am not!)  and she was buried alive.

Her best friends turned on her.

And she kept coming.

She never gave up.

She kept going after Bill for what he did to her.

Pure revenge driving her on.

Uma Thurman is incredibly beautiful and wonderfully insane with rage. Hence why women love it.  Men can make us nuts.  I’m sure as hell not going to go on a rampage, at most I’ll cry into my pillow and run harder on the treadmill. But I can admire her anger and absolute drive for what she wants. Which just happens to be (well deserved) revenge.

Look, I could wax poetic about this movie so much.

This movie is the about your great, psychotic love. Everyone has/had one. The one that makes you crazy. That person that somehow got inside your soul and just sat there, fucking everything up because they could. A person that is seriously fucked in the head and you should probably run from as fast as your Jimmy Choo’s can carry you. Kidding. I’m broke as fuck. I can’t afford JCs. I’m running from him in Payless 75% off sneakers. You know what I’m talking about. No? Anyone? I guess the cheese stands alone?

She finally got Bill. She chased him down through two movies and countless murders and she finally caught him. She walked in on him. And she found what she had been looking for.

I find this part so incredibly sad and so true to life. Often in life we pick an end point and we focus on that. We become so laser focused on the way that we think we should be, should do, should achieve that we forget this is journey. We lose the point of the path and become so fixated on a single outcome that we miss a greater picture. A greater outcome that what we could have had.

With such a narrow view when we finally get where we though we wanted to be, it’s so different from what we had thought it should have been.

In the end. The Bride  kills Bill. She uses Pai Mei, the “Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique”. A Kung Foo thing (look, I’m not an expert on Kung Foo. I only know how to spell it cause everyone was kung foo fighting) in which you quickly strike five pressure points around the heart with the fingertips, the victim takes five steps, the heart explodes and he/she falls dead.

She does this to Bill and then he sits and just looks at her.

It’s in that moment when it’s too late, when Bill and she both know he is going to die that they both realize how far its actually gone.

I’m sure Bill realized it when he shot her in the head.

At least I hope so but he is sociopathic bastard after all.

Saturday Night Brownies  

What you need:

6 ounces bittersweet chocolate chips (about 1 cup) or coarsely chopped bittersweet chocolate
8 tablespoons unsalted butter (1 stick), cut into 8 pieces
2 large eggs, at room temperature
1 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon fine salt
1 cup all-purpose flour
Any sort of chocolate candy that you like. Because CANDY!

What you do:

Heat the oven to 350°F and arrange a rack in the middle.
Line an 8-by-8-inch metal baking pan with aluminum foil.
Combine the chocolate and butter in a medium saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring frequently, until melted and smooth.
Remove from the heat and let cool slightly, about 5 minutes.
Combine the eggs, sugar, vanilla, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl and stir with a rubber spatula until just evenly incorporated.
Add the chocolate mixture and stir until evenly combined.
Add the flour and fold in until just incorporated, about 20 strokes (no white streaks should remain).
Pour the batter into the prepared pan, push it to the edges in an even layer, and smooth the top.
Sprinkle your choice of candy over top (and eat some of it too. Just to make sure its ok)
Bake until a tooth pick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 25 minutes. (Or just throw caution to the wind and eat those things when you feel like it! You are a grown ass woman! Or man. Or whatever your chosen pronoun is. DO IT!)
Remove to a wire rack and let the brownies cool for at least 20 minutes. (Or not but they might burn yo’ face)
To remove the brownies, grip the excess foil and pull it out of the baking pan.
Transfer to a cutting board and cut the brownies into 2-inch square (or just one giant brownie)

Serve with ice cream, chocolate syrup, and a bottle of red wine per person.

*Editor’s Note – (still just me, still too broke to afford one) The pics are from Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2, obviously. Insert some legal jargon here but they might make take them down. Damn the man! I do what I want. Unless their lawyer calls me. In which case (since you’re reading this) are you single?


Risotto Man

Ever the optimist I have currently taken stock of my list of criteria on who I will date. I spent a lot of time of it and narrowed it down. Because I love you I’ve included it below so that you may learn from me. This is how it looks….

I kid, I kid. But in truth I do have a list. I actually have some ‘most haves’. Because all the dating gurus want you to have ‘must haves’. And I have all their books so I should probably listen to them. Really it all neatly boils down to the fact that I want a guy who I like to call my ‘Risotto Man’. And just like the ever temperamental and time consuming dish, my guy has been hard to find.

Let me explain how this term came about. I lived in LA for a few years and with roommates. One girl that I lived with was always cooking with her boyfriend. Once they had a ‘Bloody Mary Challenge’, our other roommate and I were the judges. And we took our job seriously! We made them make us several drinks one right after the other, you know, ‘just to be sure’. Then we declared a tie and made them start over. Come to think of it, I forget how that day ended.

One night in spring, I came home and my roommate had made a simple mushroom risotto for her boyfriend. They took the plates of steaming cheesy goodness outside by the pool with glasses of red wine. They lit a single short fat candle and as the light bounced off the water and they softly talked, enjoying the simple pleasure of each others company, I thought …

“That’s what I want, I want a Risotto Man.”

In honor of the promise I made to myself is a delicious and simple Mushroom Risotto Recipe. Here’s hoping.

Mushroom Risotto Recipe67f02-mushroom-risotto

What You Need

4 Tbsp butter
2 cups flavorful mushrooms (I really like oyster mushrooms) cleaned, trimmed, and cut into half inch to inch pieces
2/3 cup dry white wine (but buy a bottle and make sure to drink a glass or two)
3/4 cup heavy cream 7 cups chicken stock
1 Tbsp olive oil
1/3 cup of peeled and minced shallots
1 3/4 cups arborio rice
1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley

How You Do It: 

  • Pour yourself a glass of the wine and make sure to drink it as you make this
  • Melt 2 Tbsp butter in a medium skillet over medium-high heat.
  • Add mushrooms and sauté about 5 minutes.
  • Add white wine. (Also you should pour yourself another glass of the wine to make sure that’s still good between the time that you opened it and now. You know, just in case)
  • Bring this delicious concoction to a boil, and reduce liquid by half, about 3-4 minutes.
  • Lower heat to medium, add cream, and simmer 5 minutes
  • Remove skillet from heat and set aside.
  • Bring chicken stock to a simmer in a saucepan.
  • In a deep, heavy, medium sized saucepan, heat oil and remaining butter on medium low.
  • Add shallots and cook until soft, about 3 minutes. (Fuck this smells SO GOOD! More wine)
  • Add rice and stir to coat with butter and oil.
  • Add simmering stock, 1/2 cup at a time, stirring enough to keep the rice from sticking to the edges of the pan.
  • Wait until the stock is almost completely absorbed before adding the next 1/2 cup.
  • This is the time consuming part and will probably take you about 20 minutes. (This why you have a whole bottle of wine. No, not for the rice. For you!) The rice should be just cooked and slightly chewy.
  • Stir in the mushroom mixture and the Parmesan cheese.
  • Season to taste with salt and pepper and serve garnished with parsley

Also – NEVER COOK THIS ON CHOPPED! You don’t have time. For fuck’s sake.

Adapted from the always lovely http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/mushroom_risotto/

*Editors Note: (which is really just me because I don’t have an editor, I’m too damn poor.)  Said roommate and that guy broke up. He was fucking insane. But not to worry she’s happily married now to a guy who is not insane and they have foodie adventures that make me cream in my pants. So the the story still fits.